Short Sarah's short list short story

I've had a few requests asking me to reveal my 500 word short story, now that the final short list has been established. I did think twice about making this public (there's a fine line between 'selling yourself' and 'being really arrogant', which I believe I may have crossed in certain areas). But, I figured, since I've already read out on national TV that my first action in life was excretion, I probably have no shame left now anyway.


The brief for this was:

Write a 300-500 word story, including:

- A little about your background, previous employment, family, where you live
- What is most important to you in life
- If successful in gaining The Best Job in the World with Tourism Queensland, who will be joining you on your journey to the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef (partner and/or children and tell us a little about them)
- Anything else you would like to share about yourself


Please, enjoy at you leisure....

Twenty-five years ago a little girl was born - Sarah Louise: international jetsetter, centre section of the illustrious ‘Lane sisters’, and one of the smallest living organisms on Earth. This is my story…

Born on November 19th, I am what one calls ‘a winter baby’. But I didn’t let the cold weather get me down, oh no - I was a merry child from birth. Within seconds of entering the universe, I relieved myself on the maternity bed. My parents like to say that was my first joke and I haven’t stopped laughing since.

I grew […slightly] up in Watford, England – the kind of place that makes you dream of travel. Daughter of a pianist and a chemist, my early days were largely spent entertaining neighbours with music shows, learning how to blow things up and wrestling with my siblings. My two sisters were, and remain, my closest friends. Along with a handful of my funniest chums, they will definitely receive an invitation to the island. Since my lifestyle choices and their dancing careers keep us all regularly England-free, it would be the first ‘tripod’ reunion in years.

Thanks to the inherited gift of synaesthesia (a rare condition meaning I associate numbers and letters with colours) learning has always been enjoyable for me and I breezed my way through the education system. I completed my studies at university in Leeds, where I acquired the nickname ‘Party Girl’ for my love of dancing, and lived in a house with two girls, five boys and no bathroom door.

I’ve never been one to opt for the ordinary life and have had a range of ridiculous jobs, beginning, age fourteen, as a mobile phone ringtone composer. Later, I branched out into various other money-making schemes including working as a Red Bull girl, dancing for Watford Football Club, writing for a humorous city guide, and marketing a comedy TV channel. When times were hard, in a bid to raise funds for another global voyage, I even dabbled in tutoring guys on their dating skills. I may also be the only Londoner to have ever used the genuine excuse “Sorry I’m late, I’ve just commuted from Johannesburg”.

These days I like to think of myself as an international woman of mystery; bouncing around the world in random peregrination with nothing but my blagging skills and superior sense of smell to guide me. Those left behind are entertained by my much-loved blog ‘The International Adventures of Party Girl’; memoirs to accompany the diary I have kept since the age of fifteen.

Adventure, spontaneity, photography and writing are my true loves. I’m genuinely never in a bad mood and will talk to anyone, go anywhere, try everything and eat anything (except aniseed balls). I’m currently living in a boxing arena in Peru with ten fighters I met on a bus, but I really hope to relocate soon to a beautiful island on the Great Barrier Reef, and take my blog readers on an entirely new adventure…

NB. Queensland Tourism's feedback on this was:

"Very strong performance - engaging well written piece, answers all questions, desirable writing style"

Unfortunately, unless accompanied by hurling myself into the Thames, it doesn't account for very much (my words, not theirs). Damn it! It seems so obvious in hindsight. Still, nice that they appreciated my story anyhow…

Have a good day all… I’m off job hunting…

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" - Oscar Wilde

The Dumpling

Last night I was dumped in the worst possible way: by email, on national TV.

That sentence doesn't even really convey quite how acutely mortifying the whole situation was, since it omits other, vital, horror-inducing factors, such as:

1) The fact that I was surrounded at the time by 10 or so of my close friends, who had spent the last few hours shamelessly announcing to the BBC camera that they were 100% sure I was going through, because I had 'nailed it'.

2) The aforementioned camera was within a foot of my face and willing me to produce at least one or two tears for 'effect'.

3) My phone rang twice from a withheld number at the exact time that we had been told that the successful applicants would be notified. (Somehow, despite the fact that the whole evening was focused around my phone receiving one of the most important phone call of my life so far, I had managed to accidentally hang up on the first call, and been too busy visiting the wee wee shop for the second).

4) My friends seemed to have developed a new propensity for using the word 'f**k' in every sentence, especially during important moments of filming, so the whole scene is going to have to be bleeped out if it airs - not a good look.

Yes, the situation as a whole was pretty undesirable really, and the aftermath of the situation isn't looking much prettier.

I sit here in my friend's flat in my joggers (I must've subconsciously packed them in anticipation of this exact scenario). Remnants of last night's party are strewn around me, and the only amusement I'm managing to find in life right now, is realising how accurate my comparison of this whole situation to a relationship really was.

For a month now I've been in such an intense whirlwind romance with Tourism Queensland that it was only ever going to end in tears (my tears, unfortunately). QT had all the power from day one and I gave up everything in a desperate attempt to secure a future for us together and daydreamed about what could be. One short, impersonal email later, followed by a phone call from a receptionist, and it was all over. I'd been used. One month of free PR and QT got it's friend to make the call. Gutted.

So this is phase one of the break up blues I guess. Lying on the sofa while my friends bring me tea and biscuits to 'cheer me up' and give me reassuring shoulder squeezes, telling me it's going to be ok. I don't believe them yet of course. Right now it's taking all my will power to stop myself from calling to find out where it all went wrong or looking at QT's webpage to stalk it's new loves. "Don't worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea, you just need to get yourself fishing again", my best friend Michelle says, stroking my unwashed hair and giving me her best 'I understand your pain' look.

She's right. QT may have been a good catch, but there are plenty more fish in the sea and they don't all live in the Great Barrier Reef. There are 194 other countries out there for me to explore and I'm certain I will go on to find another job that a really love. I'm gonna keep my chin up, be grateful for the time we did spend together and look back on this chapter of my life with fond memories. I've learnt a lot through this relationship and I will take that with me as I look for my next adventure.

Also, on the plus side, Ben (a fellow Brit) did manage to get himself selected and I'm delighted for him. I think he'll do a bloody good job and I sincerely hope he goes on to win it. I wish him all the best. For now though, I'm off to call Holly (who also got dumped) for a good chat about our lost love. I'll get over it - I just need a bit of closure.

What's so great about the Great Barrier Reef anyway? I went there for 2 weeks and it rained the whole time ;)

The fate wait...

Today could be the last time I ever have to sell a beanbag.

It could, of course, also be the last time I hear from QT, and the start of the biggest anticlimax of my life so far. Yes, those are the two possibilities ahead of me and I have absolutely no idea which one it will be.

This is the worst butterflies in the stomach moment I have ever experienced... At least with exam results and my degree result, I had a vague idea of what I was expecting and there was never really the possibility of complete failure. 

That's the thing about this situation - there's no 2nd place. It's literally all or nothing. A beautiful house, a beautiful island, a perfect job, excellent career prospects, the opportunity to learn and experience incredible things, and a £70 grand salary to round it off. OR - no home, no island, no job, no prospects, and no money.

Damn, it seems like quite a gamble... and there's nothing I can do about it now.

Fingers crossed! (except my forth and fifth fingers on my right hand of course. As mentioned before - I have some trouble with this particular combination.)